count :/

i hate to be the one counting down

but i have to, becos my sense of time is badly coordinated. yesterday was sunday, but i thought it to be saturday! :X
the end's coming. at least the end of the mugging periods. soon. but diana told me today that she was thinking of what to do aft A's,but then again, i wun know what to do after A's. :(

i hope a friend's birthday wish for me would work. no matter how childishly childlike it sounds- hoping that a birthday wish could cure all unprepareness, but well. we could all do with some luck. no that it'll eventually really matter if my friend didnt make that wish. its the mention of it that counts (:

gp prep tmr, hopefully it'll be fully prep aft tmr's last prep. hahs

ilovebecks plenty. but dear girl pls spend more time with ur books! hahah.

lucks! (: and mugg hard.

my intimate radio affair, no more

darken corridors

sighh. today is the 933 morning show's lingzhi last day at work. ): ): ): sighs. ive been listening to lingzhi's prog for so so so so so long now, from pri sch i think, pri 6 ! from music diary , to the dedication prog, to the morning shows. the special that the other deejays made for her was really good and freaking touching! :( no more joke of the day, no more suanning, funny , relaxing radio mornings.

cant concentrate, so might as well blog.

i hope lingzhi will return!!! (: i'll be more than happy to exchange my precious internet and tv for radio. for her radio show! sighh! was so dumbly sitting at the table outside chem lab crying to myself, plugging into radio. i feel like some fool, but thankfully my bgmate was listening to the radio too (: and can cry with me.

makes me feel like being a deejay as well. radio's a very intimate form of connection. whr one can just express what one feels directly to the listeners, cutting away the lag and editing process in tv. its just very qin qie. herbie! :( aiyah, the feeling you get when listening to radio is just a very intimate affair that you cant feel unless you listen. its the connection thing. sighhs.

i miss you lingzhi! :(

the virus! one muggish girl

my com's down (with many many viruses) but i urgently needed to say this:

CECS! CECILY SOH XIN YUN! dun migrate! i'll miss you really really really badly if you do! there'll be no one to hear my grouses (and no grouses to hear as well! ) AHH! i cant sign ur gbk! :(

SU! i lovelove you too!
FONG! dlunch again aft As!

mugging's really bad! plus tdy the canteen decided not to be opened cos the j1s have NE day! which sadly leaves me with no food and a warm walk out of sch in search of food! :/ pace is slow and i need F O C U S (: jiayou. of anything, sign gbk! i'll check often no more blogging til when ive smth else to say! (: hees. i like printing stuffs in sch cos there's this printer that can do both sides printing AUTO! so cool! ahh well, stressed. six days or so left. jiayou! i miss everyone! lucia mugg hard!

the night when it all dawns

everytime i look at the date these days, panic goes thru me. i panic a lot, yet aft the panic, the motivation is gone.

i hate being a crybaby, but everytime i crack up, the tears flow. i hate choosing phones cos i worry too much. abt the price, abt the functions abt eveyrthing. just dont change :(

BAHH. trying, really trying hard to study hard, but concentrating is so difficult. i need to know this is the last stretch alr, i really want no regrets when i look back at this phase in life. hehs. time's running out, more than ever. i seem to be much more prepared for the prelims than i feel now. and it spells trouble. but lucia, its always the same old thing. i either get stressed cos i dun feel the stress, or i get worried cos i'm not concentrating. they go on my top ten bad habits. sisters have been telling me to not get so worked up and stressed over As, but the fact is im really just stressed that im not stressed. times running out.

ten days.

and the real studying hasnt kicked it. what do you aye lu! pls start getting motivated. ur sciences needs some reviving AND QUICK. plus fave econs and maths.

com's back in BAD shape everytime the studying periods starts. now its infested with pop ups and the pop up blocker must have been slacking on the job. grr, irritating.

aniw oli and su! (: i'm really sorry but HAPPY BDAY! (: its really late, i promise i'll send out a even later birthday card aft As. its on my number 1 list to do aft As.

thank god for running. it clears minds. jogging is perhaps the only constant in my life. when everything changes, hits you hard,or abandons you, jogging's always an option out. its alw there to clear my mind and give me this much needed release. but sadly due to the recent haze, even joggin ghave to be dependant on the PSI index before i decide if its healthy enuff to go jogging, which gives me extra excuses to not jog and be a lazy bum. its not easy dragging myself out to exercise okay! im not some exercise freak, so jogging takes some rare determination, thats easily swayed by any excuse not to go jog. haze, haze go away!

this post is so disjointed, it perhaps aptly reflects my state of mind. no more distractions pls. focus is all you need lu! JIAYOU JIAYOU!

who know of the panic that you grapple with, inside?

its a chair

no one.
panic.
struck,
things take time
to get starting
inertia?
excuses.

what do they know
if they've nv been inside
your heart.
what do they understand
when they think they understood.

when all things gone
you're on your own
when all things
fail
even panic cant pull
up,

here's cheers to you, so there's more to cheer

05 050

ok, the title is not making sense AT ALL. lousy attempt to rhyme/pun or smth, but failed, okay i know. just dont remind me.

this must go out as my fave pic, really! everyone looks grinning (cos its last day of sch, but the expression there is supposed to capture a kind of mixed feelings. un-decipherable expression, but u know, we've all been brought up , made to smile at the camera. no one wants to appear sad in photos, do they? ok, unless ure like this girl who always pouts when i take photos w her :/ ) , holding up cups that only goes to signify we'll toast again next yr feb/mar cos we're ALL going to get our As and A1s. the pics not full this time, but it'll be completed next yr. til then!

today's a happy lunch affair. no poor-thing lunch talk/sms with my sis while munching sandwiches. i hate pathetic lunches, but its okay, we'll all have to bear w it since i'm studying alone. a preferance, not a non-choice, i say. kfc w jo! some cheesy afffair ehh? cos we were eating some cheeese pocket. tell me how to live without chickens and i'll gladly accept it. i love chickenmeat , as contrasted to pork. cos chicken, like pork, gives you vitamin B (i think) and tons of proteins, just leave the fats out pls. ive been pigging on chocs plenty! save me!

aft tmr its back to my lonely love affair with benches and chairs. i'll take a pic of my love affair soon when i've found the perfect way to take it. its yellow in table and red in bench. haha im so not making sense, i dont know why im blogging.

monologue.

days of --- lives

days of --- lives

a whole load of random rants from the back of my foolscape pad, one that accompanied me during prelims and provided some released from bogging minds. cant bear to just throw them away lest i miss them, so before the cardboard goes into the dustbin, the words comes on here. not totally making sense, but i meet some release. here goes.

*i'd like some escape
*understanding is key
*if even you say that. it breaks my heart. i'd be better elsewhere
*fear not what you know you cant do, but fear what you dont know you can do
*i promise to study hard -nods head-
*u're a conformist :/
*im not afraid of not having, im afraid of losing it
*smiles all around
*just walk on. let me be.
*i cant help but feeli like letting go. just let the entire world go on without me. i'd rather see and look from behind all those hurried backs and walk the path at my own pace. but i cant :(

i love doodling :)

because(s)

DSC09929

havent tried writing a poem in ages. but this aint anywhere near a poem, just a break away from my nagging proses. so here we go.

because i choose to be an escapist
because i refuse to think about it in school,
because only at times no other can see, will i convey my very best.
because laughter can be a tear-jerking thing
because we're all taught to act strong amidst presences.
because its not all i can and all i want
because i never fail to forget to cherish
because i hold on too tightly, too late
because they say all good things comes to an end,
must it really be so?
because talk is often cheaper than actions
because i can say but i cant do
because this time its sinking down
because i aint ready for goodbyes
because i know it'll be hard to bring back,
everyone and everything together.
because i suddenly feel abandoned
because the feeling of being left alone to fend for urself doesnt feel good
because the thought of no more school sucks
because there's no more lects for lessons-ending thoughts to wander
because i no longer belong
because we no longer equate
because from this point it'll be different paths
because from here its to each, his own study.
because i am a confused girl
because school holds a special place in me
because in school ive cherished friends
because i treat them as good friends, even if i dont knwo how they think
because feelings are a peculiar thing
more peculiar to some than to others.
because here i am, and here i stand
i have faith that faith can lead me thru-
even more faith that it'll lead us thru.
because i believe in holding on to hope
because i want to be BEAMING on that day
because i want us to be all happy boys and girls that day
because i hate repeats of an ill episode
because i want to start loving myself more.
and because of all the above, i love 2205.

and because its the last day of school
which is why i'm in a super lousy mood :(

becos its not so simple

on days when i get pessimistic, i'll tell myself, its okay. its only a class that u've been tgt with for less than two years. but really graduation nv seems okay. then or now. its not easy to feel comfortable abt graduating. not me to be so, at least.

not esp when its a class that stays, not quite united but definitely not separated. a class with which we did many things tgt happily. much as there have been a gender divide, i guess its inevitable given circumstances. but generally, i like the feel of class. i like lessons cos i am assured of laughter filled classes. i may dread lessons (esp subjs in AHEM PHYSICS) and sleep in them and everything, but at least thats what the class is to me-simple and life is peaceful.

sometimes i realise we do not need very much of excitment for days to be memorable. too exciting days, for me, spells more sad and dreadier days ahead. so i like to spread my happiness throughout. more happier days that arent peaking, VS few extremely happy days but many sad days accompanying. i'd always believed that happiness do run dry. that each one of us, perhaps, have a quota as to the amt of happiness we'll have in, say, a week. if we use it up too fast, there's not enuff happiness to go around seven days.

i hate feeling all emotive and i-dunno-what(cos my vocab is lousy) about having last days of sch, last tutorials in our life. i shudder at the fact that in two days' time, we'll all be having our last tutorials. in fact its tmr. cos thurs a pe/lect day with only an hr of gp tut. sometimes i will look back and feel this tinge of stupidism that i was so emotional then. but on other instances, i will look back and regret not having cherished. not having cherished the people ard me, the events that we go thru tgt.

i read soemwhr that life is too short for regrets, yet i do feel such regrets, so perhaps my life is sadly, longer than others? i nv wanted to live past those ard me. i cant take facing the demise of my loved ones-friends and family. if i were to face it again, i may go very depressed.

but that's all besides the point, that other than cherishing the remaining two days of school tutorials (i COMPLETED TUTORIALS for maths and econs FINALLY) at least its a good end, i also must leave no regrets for a's results. lucia wants no repeat of tramutising o's because i have gotten old and i'm qt sure my old and failing heart can take shocks no more. gogogo!

roo!

roo!

i hate confrontations. i really do.
i nv knew to to approach them.

which is why i find talking such a cumbersome, difficult thing. i nv seem to know whats right and whats not. not cos i cant think for myself, but only cos i dont know what ppl takes offence to. hehs.

the week is starting again! want long ago that i was declaring rest finally. and its starting again. last week. i dont know if its :) or :(
pics that i take these days are so grainy! :( but at least roo looks happyifying enuff!

sometimes i'd just sit down and think, and think abt what the future holds, and where the future lies. i know its those kind of pointless stuff that holds high opportunity costs (study time) but i still do it anyway. i was reading thru the classnotes before putting it into the letterbox. and there's this part abt being a photographer. but i think i might nv become a photographer, at least i felt qt sure im not up to being one. prhpas its the gap btw liking to take photographs and being able to do it well. ahh.

somehow even if you dont do anything abt it, u'll still survive, like the author says in a book. with or without edn, ppl can actually still survive. they'll manage to. but its just how difficult it may be. ahh stop thinking

the hazy is almost gone! :D whee. say hello to bright, blur-free skies!

madness can propagate. snapping out of it.

this week is madness lar. time pract on four afternoons and sis's grad on the one afternoon left= no afternoons left. add that to tons of homework and you'd know lu hasnt started re-touching books :( and i cant tell others to study when i myself havent. hehs. i can feel my pimples coming out and my sleep not gone well. boohooo. plus i hadnt satisfied my craving for keaiji! plus im lagging behind in homework. plus im very shagged this week! :( i hate lagging behind in tutorials cos its very stressful! ): its the DEADline thing. someone tell me its not just me alone pls.

:( ok enuff of complaining!

eveyrone's having a tough time, sure, i know. doesnt help that im a lazy bum and i must know that whats tested for As cant be completed in like two weeks ? if not why did they take two years to teach us then? but two weeks' my most optimistic guess alr. starting two weeks before As, that is. and gp is a fearful thing.

sometimes i think the mind can be such a destructive, unfathomable thing. i really need more time to understand people. things are only making me know lesser and lesser about how people actually are. its like the the more you know, the more you know you dont know thing. i used to think alot (note SIGN POSTING!- used-past tense). but then, im thankful that i learnt how to get out of it. i learnt that it isnt a good, healthy thing like eating veggies. and so i stopped thinking too deeply into things that gives me headaches. we're all ignorant, face it. in one way or another. so there really isnt much need (except in the case when u're writing essays for gp) to think too much about issues, or plainly random stuffs. we've too much worries to jus think about every single thing the world have for us. since we're alr ignorant in some way, being ignorant in one more aspect doesnt make us lesser fools. so leave it. else i think im going crazy thinking my brain dry doing all the worrying.

friends dont make you worry. they worry that you worry about them. at least thats what i think. or maybe ive just been a really bad friend all along.

now mugg. (: jiayou

when it all comes crashing down.

when it all comes crashing down, there mightnt be anyone cushioning you down there :( everyone seems to have a separate agenda, more so a hidden one that i cant fathom. sigh. jiayou me! lu can geepeeeee! :( hah lousy attempt trying to cheer myself up. :/

i just went bingeing on food!
one two three and eveyrthing nice!

something greeeen(GRINNY) to cheer up my night!

its illegal.

its the weekends and i haven completed even half the work i'm supposed to do. boohoos. i fell asleep doing econs outlineS(cos there's four!) but i had a great weekend thus far! osy came over first time in a million yrs now so we just set abt doing pancakes that look like rotiprata and just being coachpotatoes for hours. :)

this is how weekends shld be!

but guess i ought start studying! (or at least set abt completing work). i promised myself i will promise pillai that i will do physics for one hr fourtyfive mins of paper 2 without distractions. and that rj compre. and those econs outlines.

HAPPY CHILDRENS' DAY! :)) i completely forgot it was october first until crys msged me! :( how can i forget my fave day? its a constant (yearly) reminder to remain a child, albeit remaining childish! if we are all children inside, the world would perhaps look way more innocent, less malicious. like what a commentary in ST wrote on the pope's comments and the aftermath uproar, a little more love and forgiveness would perhaps do us good. childish need not necessarily be bad! childish can look cute. childish doesnt mean immaturity in thoughts.

and i went jogging this morning cos i managed to wake up at eight! :) (i dont go running once its nine). okay, i ougth not update so frequently anymore! yay

(its twelve! i hear the church bells!)

cecs! :) i'm glad everything is over! yay, happiness abounds!